Saturday, August 14, 2004

Condom in the Shower!!


OK, I'm going to sound off about two things that happened today. I'm so pissed off that I cannot even speak, which is why I'm writing. Also, I already yelled really loudly when each of those things happened, so you're just gonna have to sit there and fucking feel sorry for me. Ready?

The shower I was going to use at my gym had a god damned condom in it.

As if going to the gym isn't big enough of a fucking chore for me, someone had to go and make it gross now, too. I was halfway into the shower when I saw it, sitting on the wall-mounted shelfy whatever that holds the soap/shampoo/conditioner dispensers. Now sure, this one was still in the package (or was it?); but since I didn't feel like taking the extra step into the shower to see if its well-worn sibling was floating around near the drain, and since i can't see someone bringing a condom into the gym shower and then being like "nah, now's probably not a good time for fucking after all," I was outta there like food through a goose. With one hand holding my towel on, and one fist shaking defiantly in the air, I yelled "AARGHGHHH!!!! The gym is not for fucking!!!" Then went and showered two stalls down.

So I get back to my desk, ready to enjoy my lunch: a homemade garlic-and-eggplant saute' which I home made, at home. i get about halfway through it, when the phone rings. I put the fork down on the edge of my plate, placed the plate off to the side of my desk, and reached for the phone.

Background: I have superhuman reflexes. You couldn't describe them as catlike -- cats are slow. Slower than Paul Prudhomme doing hill sprints, slower than an Emma Thompson movie. No, I've got some kind of gift, a special power, Spaz Power. When shit falls, my arm goes back in time to catch it; a phenomenon which looks, to the untrained eye, a lot like someone having a mini-seizure.

So when i knock my plate off the side of my desk while reaching for the phone, i only see the fork moving out of the corner of my eye -- and before i can stop myself, my left arm whips out to try to catch it. Since that wasn't even close to the sum total of shit that was falling off my desk, my hand only caught the edge of the plate, spinning the fork off into a crazy upwards spiral...which landed directly in my lap.

So now my nice clean pants have an archipelago of indelible, oily stains right around the whole wang region.

Some of you will read this and say "well, you probably shouldn't eat at your desk then, should you?" or "maybe you should have had a napkin in your lap," to which I'd reply "FUCK YOU!!!" I've tried everything to get this bastard stain out. Water. Soap. Soap combined with water. I've even tried scrubbing, in various different patterns. All i've managed to do is soak my crotch.

So what the hell am I going to do now?? I can't walk around like this! With my oily pants and sour disposition, people will think i've got something wrong with my wang. That I have some kind of wang problem, and that I'm telling people "people, get used to it. I have a problematic wang that stains my pants, and I'm not going to change for you."

This is so much bullshit. Well, I'm NOT changing. I'm NOT caving in. They're not the boss of me.